Re-Adjustment

So, I generally keep my blog on the funny side, but now and again I suppose it ought to take a more serious note and reflect more of the way I believe and feel. So here goes. I returned to Cambodia about a week and a half ago, and it was hard. People keep asking me if it was difficult to come back and I have been trying to figure out how to answer. Yes, coming back here is difficult, its hard to readjust your body to the heat and the noise. But mostly it was the leaving America that was hard, not the coming back to Cambodia.

While being home with people I love was invaluable and grounding in a lot of ways it also served to remind me, once again, that spending two years in Cambodia is a sacrifice. I got to watch two of my very best friends get married (Erika and jacob!), but I don't get to be there to watch them grow as a couple, or offer the kind of day to day support we all need from those we love. I got to spend time with one of my best friends from home and her little girl (Casee and Lila!), but I dont get to be there to watch her grow. I got to see friends who are engaged (Megs, Lindsey...), but I don't get to be present for their big days. I can attempt to stay in touch, to be a support from the other side of the world, but I know it isnt the same as being there.

Spending time with my family, with friends, and mentors while I was home reminded me of who I am, who I am striving to be, what I believe, and why I am here. Now I am at a point of needing to decide how to proceed from here, not necessarily in action but in attitude. I am no evangelist, but I do strive to make decisions in my life in accordance with where I believe the Lord is directing me. I felt prompted to come to Cambodia, and now I need to wrap my mind around what that means so that I can love the people I came here to serve. I keep thinking about this song called "the road to jericho," the chorus says "if lovin were easy it wouldnt be love." That has never rung more true to me than it does here. Never in my life have been in a situation of service in which I have to work so hard to think lovingly and act lovingly. I sent a message to a good friend before I left simply asking "why am I doing this again?" and the response I got was "because the Lord chose you to be love to that nation," and I thought hmmmm....How can I be love to a place that DRIVES ME NUTTTTTTTTTS?! I have grown to care very many for many of the people I live and work with in my community, but there are also many things about Khmer culture that are difficult for me to cope with (like loud speakers and attitudes towards women). Perhpas that's what I am here to learn. How to choose to think and act lovingly when it doesn't come effortlessly.

So the gist is this; I have spent a lot of time wondering why I am here. Leaving everyone back home is easier, arguably, when you can see tangibly why you left them. I can't right now, things move so slow here. However, I came to Cambodia in full confidence that the Lord wanted me in Cambodia and I will stay here until I have full assurance that the Lord wants me somewhere else, whether I understand my reason for being here or not. In the book of Luke (9:62) it says "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God," While I fail all the time to be a reflection of Christ, I want to be a woman fit for service in His kingdom. So, to those back home, I miss you, I love you, and I am so thankful for your support, and I continue to need your encouragment. I will continue to love you and miss you for as long as I am gone, but I "put my hand to a plow" so to speak and I will keep moving forward until directed not to. Now I think it's time to get back to site and get my A$$ in gear.

Much Love.